I’m sitting here, at my desk, in an undecorated, empty classroom. Echoes of my footsteps riddle the airwaves, locks of cabinets being turned to conceal school supplies for a future teacher and their charges. I wonder what I am still doing here.
My time in the classroom has gone, the days of excitement of meeting hundreds of new students each year has withered and fallen by the wayside. I no longer look forward to the fun of the first day of school and the parties to celebrate holidays with them. A bittersweetness has taken hold of my mind and body and I sit here entranced in the lonely feeling that I am experiencing. It is deep in my bones, an ache that can no longer be filled with rooms of teenagers looking for knowledge and a want for a place to belong.
For years, each passing school year has led to a want, a wish to be a guide, a mentor, and a trusted adult in a student’s world. I still want this, but differently and I’m working on what that will look like in the future.
I need a way to play a role in student’s lives without impeding upon my family and mentality. My heartstrings can no longer hold up to the look of want and need on a student’s face that I am not able to provide. It is maddening and brings me to my knees each time, which has turned into a daily occurrence.
Today is the last day in a high school classroom. The cabinets have been cleared and cleaned, the desk has been emptied and my personal items have been taken home in boxes both large and small.
I continue to sit here, writing this, as I await approval to leave. To never return. To retire to my life away from public school as a high school teacher.
